When people tell you I love you how does that make you feel? It makes me feel like that person genuinely loves me. Growing up, I didnt have that. My mom and dad never said it to me. I know Im not supposed to do this but I look for that in other people I encounter all because I didnt have that at home. Being able to express myself through words is the only way I know how. I cannot verbally tell you how Im feeling because its very awkward. Love is supposed to be a good feeling. When I dont hear those three words I think you dont love me or even like me. I rarely say to people those three words. When I tell you those three words, dont take it or me for granted. I dont have time for you to make up your mind about your feelings. Im not getting any younger. If you want to be in my life then act like you do. If not, dont let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!
I think I’m one of many who hates herself right now. I feel like I’m a failure. Nobody can possibly understand how I’m feeling. I cannot find a job. I’m in debt. I thought I had family but some of them are full of shit. I go and extend an offer to help only to get slapped in the face. I tend to beat myself up cause I want everything to go right…but its all going left, a sharp left at that. I have dreams of not being on Earth anymore. I feel like I’m much better off not being on Earth. I feel like I don’t deserve anything…not even love from anyone. All of this is taking a huge toll on my health. I don’t feel like living anymore. I just don’t have a purpose anymore. Like I’m walking around with no soul. I’m frustrated to the point of no return. Sometimes I think if I overdose that I will just die and be at peace for once in my life. People don’t understand and will never understand where I’m coming from. I have no parents, my grandparents are deceased as well. I have 2 great-aunts and an aunt living. My parents will never see me graduate, get married or have babies. I’ve been aching for about 20 years now. I hide it well but these bursts of anger show it. I cannot tell anyone in my family cause they will judge and not try to help or see it from my point of view. A lot of people who take their lives take them due to sadness and not because they are running away. I have and will continue to have suicidal thoughts until I can get the help I need. Its hard. Its not like I can go and just get a hug. I bottle all my feelings inside. This is the first time I’m able to talk about this. No one in my family knows. I can go jump off a bridge and they wouldn’t give a flying fuck about it. You don’t understand the hurt and pain I suffer with on a daily basis. It doesn’t take a lot for me to be sad as opposed to a smile. I don’t think anything in the world right now can make me smile. Its a struggle everyday. I hardly leave the house anymore…I typically just stay in bed and sleep.
This is one of the deepest, darkest secrets that I decided to let you in on. These are my feelings. This is not a laughing matter. I’m not joking. If you think I’m the worst human being on earth right now, then that’s your problem. This is the Tiffany no one experiences. I don’t want sympathy. Just respect. That’s all I ask.
To all the Dads, Granddads, Brothers, Uncles, God-dads, Step-dads, and Cousins, I want to wish you a Happy Father’s Day. Today is your day so enjoy it. I hope your love ones appreciate you.
To all the Dads that are no longer here with us, Happy Father’s Day to you. My heart is heavy because mine is no longer here. I know some of my friends are hurting today so I know their pain. We have the memories that lives through us daily.
Now, I understand a lot of people want to give kudos to “single mothers” but last time I checked, Mother’s Day is in May. Women aren’t men therefore cannot be called fathers. You don’t have sperm to fertilize an egg unless you’re a hermaphrodite. If your child’s father is a part of their life, you’re not a single mother…you’re just single. I rarely hear “Happy Mother’s Day” to single dads doing “double duty”. When I lost my father and the years after his untimely death, I never once said to my mother “Happy Father’s Day”. That just sounds stupid. Stop trying to take all the credit on a day dedicated to Fathers.
This is just my opinion on how I feel today. If I offended you, just let me know. I’m not changing my stance on how I feel though.
Why is it when I’m shopping for clothes, I cannot find anything that will fit right…other than a dress?? All these department stores and these celebrity designers all market their clothes to all the short and average sized females, but leave the tall girls out. Why do you do that?? We want to look cute too! When I buy jeans/pants it has to say long/tall on them or I will be rocking high waters. That’s not cute or cool. When I go buy shirts, I would always have to get a large because of my long arms. I stand at 6’0 without heels by the way. Sometimes when I go into stores (Old Navy being an example), they never cater to the tall females. That is very upsetting to me. I like some of the things they have but they don’t carry long/tall pants/jeans. That frustrates me. I don’t like shopping online for jeans. I like to be like everyone else and try them on to make sure they fit and fit right. I cant help it if God wanted to super-size me. Fashion designers, please cater to the tall girls more often. We don’t even have stores dedicated to us. Plus Sized women have Lane Bryant, Ashley Stewart, Catherine’s, The Avenue and more. The midget females have the department stores. The tall men have big and tall stores for them. Tall girls, we pretty much have nothing for us. We need to start a movement. We need more stores dedicated to us by us!
Define ratchet. Whats the purpose of acting ratchet?? Attention?? Get a man/woman?? its either A or B in this case. Why would anyone degrade themselves?? Is your self-esteem that damn low?? You would rather be just pure ignorant then be educated?? What is this world coming to?? Females, it is not cute that you have 5 different colors in your head, drawn on eyebrows, gold teeth, having kids and you dont know who fathered them, your kids knowing the lyrics to their favorite song, but dont know their alphabet, etc. That is nothing to be proud of. You should feel embarassed. Instead of watching twerking videos with your kids, you need to be watching PBS so both of yall can get some good education together. It isnt cute when you are fighting over a man. Stealing someone’s man isnt an accomplishment. You just sound like a pure idiot. The same thing that happened to her will happen to you. Mark my words.
I know you have been through so much in the last couple of years but dont let that take your beauty away from you. I know its hard to find a job out here in the world today. Nobody said that life will be easy. You will just have to blaze your own trail. I think you’re the only person I know suffering with a lot of pain and a lot of disappointments. It will get better for you. Change doesnt happen overnight. I know once you start believing in yourself again everything will fall into place.
You aren’t the first woman to have her emotions toyed with. You won’t be the last either. It’s how you handle the situation after that, that will determine how strong your heart really is. I know you being a Libra you love HARD, but focus on yourself now. To those who had you will regret losing you. You are a strong, beautiful woman. A man would be lucky to have you. A man would be lucky just to be in your presence. I know you are tired of feeling hurt but if he was the one he wouldn’t have hurt you the way he did. He wouldn’t want anyone playing with his emotions so why should he play with yours? Your name isnt Playstation, XBox, or monopoly. Your name is Tiffany. Respect the name. You will hear it again. I guarantee you will be the best friend, best girlfriend, and best wife for someone one day. Just because you’ve been hurt, dont close your heart. Just give someone else a chance. You never know who could make you smile again. I hate to see tears coming down from your beautiful eyes.
The wild card. ♥♥